Monday :: Aug 9, 2004

Krazy Keyes Meets The City of Big Shoulders

by larre

Alan Keyes has begun his patented Krazy Kat routine, hurling huge calumnies at everyone in his path in in the name of God. Already, he's accused Barack Obama of holding views on abortion that are "the slaveholder's position."

That kind of insane stuff may work in Kansas, Alabama, and even some darker corners of Maryland, but it won't wash in Illinois. So, I have two predictions.

Prediction No. 1: The Republican Party will rue the day they asked Keyes to run his carpetbagging, Bible-thumping, slander-slinging, right-wing campaign for the U.S. Senate seat in Illinois. He will not only endanger G.O.P. incumbents up and down the ballot, he'll alienate an entire new generation of young Illinois voters.

Prediction No. 2: Keyes has a lot of skeletons rattling around in his closet -- not to mention unpaid debts. If there are any more yet to be discovered (or unpaid debts yet to be run up in the Land of Lincoln), you can be sure Chicagoland reporters will drag them out for the world to see. Furthermore, one serious misstep or a promised payment missed, and Keyes will find himself in the criminal courts, where most despised Illinois politicians eventually wind up.

They play for keeps in Illinois.

One entertaining (and progressive) web site remembers Keyes being called "the candidate most likely to douse himself with gasoline and light a match. A character like that has to have the crack investigative reporters at The Chicago Tribune licking their brass knuckles in anticipation.

In Chicago, Keyes won't be dealing with the likes of the milquetoast Washington Post, an early favorite in the Pulitzer race for "most creative excuses for Bush administration incompetence." As Paradox once put it with his customary understatement right here on Left Coaster, the Post 'whores for Bush.' In Illinois, the Tribune whores for no one but its owners. Not even for the Cubs, most of the time.

Keyes will be dealing with a hotbed of great investigative reporting nurtured in recent years by the Chicago Tribune and imitated by a gaggle of weeklies and bi-weekies up and down the state. This ain't your grandmother's Trib. And it won't be a WaPo-style lapdog for Alan Keyes, either.

You'll have to register for a free web subscription, but it'll be worth it. Never mind the Tribune's excellent work bringing down ex-Governor George Ryan and most of his criminal cronies. In this year's Senate race alone, the Tribune's crack investigative reporting team already added two scalps to its belt.

Earlier this year, Democrat Blair Hull was pressured by relentless Tribune reporters to release divorce records that revealed him to be a wife beater. And, of course, more recently in the Republican primary the Tribune was the plaintiff who sued for release of Jack Ryan's divorce records showing him to be something other than your average missionary-type sex fiend.

The list of other miscreants outed in recent years by the Tribune is long and lurid. It includes governors, senators, state officials, contractors, high-rolling businessmen, and once-berobed judges up and down the ladder of jurisprudence.

Unless he's led a life cleaner than his voting record as an elected official, and unless he finds some legal way to pay off all of his upcoming campaign debts before high-tailing it back to Maryland (where he still owes more than half a million), by the time they're done with him in Illinois the only media job Alan Keyes will have is spinning records for the annual 'good time' party at Stateville Correctional Center in Joliet .

That's God's work, too, of course.

larre :: 8:03 PM :: Comments (2) :: Digg It!