Mother Nature Endorses Kerry
PLANET EARTH (Universal News Service - Sunday, Oct. 31). - Mother Nature today endorsed Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry and his running mate, John Edwards.
She also vowed to aid the Democratic ticket by sending unseasonably warm, dry weather to most of the nation.
"I happen to know that Karl Rove is praying for blizzards and hurricanes on Election Day," Ms. Nature said with a wink at a hastily called press conference. "This year, as usual, Republicans are trying to restrict the franchise to wealthy white men with tax-deductible HumVees driven by minimum wage chauffeurs."
On the other hand, she said, Democrats rely on mild weather to help turn out their voters.
"Weather is so much more important than pre-election polls," the worldy weather woman added. "Especially that ridiculous Gallup poll."
"Aging Volvos and rusty VW buses, like so many Democrats own, don't start right away on cold mornings," she pointed out. "By the time Democrats finally get their cars in gear, the chads have been punched and the ballots have been counted. They have to sit it out for four more years."
In short, the Meteorological Mamma said, "Good weather helps Democrats on Election Day. Republicans love bad weather. I'm going to make sure the U.S. has absolutely great weather on Election Day."
This time of year, election experts say, the meteorology maven often starts fooling around with a foretaste of the coming winter, sending early snow storms to the upper Midwest, hitting the Southeast with afternoon thundershowers, flooding Fargo, or sending surprise Nor'easters to discourage liberals along the East Coast.
"Not this year," Mother Nature vowed today. "I can't abide the Bush administration. The incompetence... the deceptions... the lousy court appointments... ."
The weather-wise woman shook her head sadly.
"It's all been just too much. Worst president since Buchanan. Dumbest since Harding. Most corrupt since Nixon. So I've decided to bring warm, dry "get-out-the-vote" weather to most of the United States on Election Day. This is my way of helping Democrats turn out the vote in record numbers even where there's a shortage of tow trucks."
She's not extending the same courtesy to central Texas, the Natural Woman admitted, or to populous parts of Oregon.
"That Texas weather is mine," she confessed. "But I couldn't do much about the Willamette River Valley. It always rains there. Even I can't stop it. On the other hand, they should be used to it by now."
Along with a long list of criticisms of the Bush administration, Mother Nature released a map showing her temperature and precipitation plans for Tuesday, November 2. To see for yourself, click on --