Friday :: Nov 12, 2004

Cold Nose, Warm Heart

by pessimist

Not since the days of Great White North have Canadians been more needed to help us raise our spirits, brewed or other wise. Hard on the heels of the latest Bu$h (s)election, our good friends from the Land of the Maple Leaf are helping us to reestablish our sense of what is truly important in a world gone crazy:

Marry An American

No good American will be left behind!

Ladies and gentlemen, drop your borders. Now that George W. Bush has been officially elected, single, sexy, American liberals - already a threatened species - will be desperate to escape. These lonely, afraid (did we mention really hot?) progressives will need a safe haven. You can help. Open your heart, and your home. Marry an American. Legions of Canadians have already pledged to sacrifice their singlehood to save our southern neighbours from four more years of cowboy conservatism.


The idea behind Marry An American is simple: You have the power to rescue a progressive American from four more years of George W. Bush. Americans, sick of the political climate of their homeland, have long sought refuge within Canadian borders. And let's face it, when compared to the United States, Canada is a liberal utopia & we have universal healthcare (in two languages!), gay marriage, free marijuana for everyone, and we don't like guns.

Already, our American counterparts are fleeing the U.S. in droves and buying up land along our borders. We envision a movement where everyone wins: Freedom of expression and a politically convenient marriage with love and igloos for all. Canadian singles, tired of the dating scene, are willing to act for love or just plain pity. Let's drop our borders/inhibitions/commitment issues, set a date, pick out our china patterns and wed a sexy American liberal.


Now that George W. Bush has been declared the official winner of the November 2 election and shall become the President of the United States for four more years of idiocy, I the undersigned, a Canadian citizen, pledge to liberate, through the legal and binding act of marriage, a willing citizen of the United States of America, of a gender of my choosing, and with one or all of the following political leanings:

1. discouraged Democrat,
2. reformed Republican,
3. apolitical with limited world-domination tendencies.

In addition, I promise to help my new Yankee spouse to adapt to life in the great white north, keeping them safe from (gratuitous) invasion of privacy, and to provide him/her with a reasonable supply of Timbits.

So there it is - a way out should all go to Hell in Texas. Just get your spouse's permission first!

pessimist :: 6:57 AM :: Comments (0) :: Digg It!