Wednesday :: Nov 17, 2004

Cheese-it! The Fanatics!

by larre
The Internet auction house eBay Inc. reversed itself Tuesday and is allowing bids for half of a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich that its owner says bears the image of the Virgin Mary.
-- Associated Press

Only 37 shopping days until Christmas! What to give that red state religious extremist you know? How about a half-eaten Grilled cheese sandwich with Virgin Mary now for sale on Ebay?

Diana Duyser put the sandwich up for sale last week, drawing bids as high as $22,000 before eBay pulled the item Sunday night. The page was viewed nearly 100,000 times before being taken down.

An e-mail Duyser received from eBay said the sandwich broke its policy, which "does not allow listings that are intended as jokes."

But, Duyser, a jewelry designer who has bought and sold items on eBay for two years, insisted this was not a laughing matter.

"How could eBay do this to me?" Duyser said Monday, hours before the online auction was supposed to have ended.

Yesterday, the Web site allowed bidding to resume... .

Already, the bidding has reached the Ebay maximum of $99,999,999. No word on whether the ceiling will be raised so you can get in on this deal, too.

But not to worry. For the smart holiday shopper, there's now a Burnt George W Bush On Grilled Cheese. "No Virgin Mary," we're cautioned, but most Christian fanatics won't be able to tell the difference -- or care. They're almost the same, anyway, right?

The visage of the fundamentalist Christian president appears in another food item: a George W Bush Tortilla

Dion [Laurent] made this tortilla, lightly seasoned with hot sauce, and then toasted over an open flame.

"When I lifted it from the flame and turned it over, I saw a face looking up at me. It was a striking resemblance to President George W. Bush starring back at me. I was in total shock. ... . It has just preserved itself which in itself I consider a miracle. People ask me if I have had blessings since he has been in my home. I do feel I have, since two beers mysteriously appeared in my refrigerator only moments ago."

All of this righteous religious gift-giving inspired "ameatster" (who appears to have a 100% positive rating at Ebay, so he has to be honest, right?) to offer the very same Condom Used by Virgin Mary, which he describes as being made of "sheepskin." This, he assures us, was the same "condom that broke while Mary and Joseph were having sex and Jesus came out."

And Scrappinchelle from Council Bluffs was selling a "chewed piece of gum I received from a woman named Mary that told me she was a virgin. It was left on my night stand after a wonderful night that I considered a miracle." The opening bid: $2.25. [Update: Sad to say, the condom has disappeared. Must have been purchased outright.]

In the wake of the Red State sweep by less than two percentage points there happen to be any rationalists left who persist in rejecting the language, myths, and ill-informed point of view of the Christian Right, over on Ebay "mikeandbridgette" do have a little something. They're offering a Grilled Cheese Sandwich Wearing Pink Dangle Earrings. No Virgin Mary. It's cheap, probably because it's ungodly.

What to make of all this religiosity sweeping the nation's commercial centers? As in the case of post-presidential election analysis, should we conclude there is a cultural shift going on in the U.S.? Are we secularist liberals missing the boat once again? Is it past time to stop investing in "old world" thingies like stocks, bonds, Picassos, and fruity stamp collections? Are our investment and collecting practices too ...well, too liberal for the New Right Amerika?

It may be time to forget plastics, you egg-sucking, college-educated Graduates. As in the case of Democratic campaign strategies and candidates, you'll just have to abandon your principles and start imitating the fundamentalist Christian Right in your choice of investments. After all, when's the last time your old age pension made $10 million in a matter of a few days?

I have just two words for you liberals: grilled cheese. Put it in your newly privatized Social Security account.

larre :: 5:06 AM :: Comments (4) :: Digg It!