Republican Calvinball

by pessimist

Remember Calvin and Hobbes? I miss that cartoon. In its own zany way, it used outrageousness as a metaphor to explain the unexplainable, and to put a handle on the slippery slopes of reason that we sometimes wander into.

One of the more favorite aspects of this strip was Calvinball, a game in which you made up rules that were advantageous to you as you played.

Based on what's going on, it seems that Calvinball taught the Republicans a lot.

House GOP Changes Rules to Protect DeLay

1.2 Any player may declare a new rule at any point in the game (Figure 1.2). The player may do this audibly or silently depending on what zone (Refer to Rule 1.5) the player is in.

House Republicans demonstrated their loyalty to Majority Leader Tom DeLay on Wednesday, changing a party rule that would have cost him his leadership post if he were indicted by a Texas grand jury that has charged three of his associates.

DeLay watched from the back of the room but did not speak as GOP lawmakers struggled in closed session before ending a requirement that leaders indicted on felony charges relinquish their positions. Republicans will now decide a House leader's fate in a case-by-case review.

1.5 The Calvinball Field (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.3) should consist of areas, or zones, which are governed by a set of rules declared by players. Zones may appear and disappear as often and wherever the player decides. For example, a corollary zone would enable a player to make a corollary (sub-rule) to any rule already made. Or a pernicious poem place would require the intruder to do what the name implies. Or an opposite zone would enable a player to declare reverse playibility on the others. (Remember, the player would declare this zone oppositely by not declaring it.) (Figure 1.5a and 1.5b).

The dilemma was to shield DeLay in a case that he views as political, while not giving blanket protection to any leader indicted for a crime that clearly has no political overtones. DeLay said the impetus for the change was a desire to prevent a Democratic district attorney from deciding whether House Republican leaders could keep their jobs. He accused Earle of "trying to criminalize politics and using the criminal code to insert himself into politics."

1.6 Flags (Calvinball Equipment 2.3) shall be named by players whom shall also assign the power and rules which shall govern that flag (Figure 1.6).

"I did not instigate this," DeLay told reporters after the meeting. "It was not leader led. This came from the members themselves." The change received overwhelming but not unanimous approval in a voice vote that showed Republicans' eagerness to protect the leader who raised countless campaign dollars for them.

1.3. A player may use the Calvinball (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.2)in any way the player see fits, whether it be to incur injury upon other players or to gain benefits for himself.

DeLay also engineered a redistricting plan in Texas that caused five Democratic losses through retirement or election defeats.

1.4. Any penalty legislation may be in the form of pain, embarassment, or any degradation the rulee wishes to execute upon the other player.

The prime mover for the change was Rep. Henry Bonilla, R-Texas, who won with less than 52 percent of the vote two years ago and 69 percent this year after his district boundaries were changed in a DeLay-engineered Texas redistricting plan. He cited previous Texas cases he viewed as political — all investigated by Earle, the prosecutor in the current campaign finance probe. In one of those cases, charges against Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison — then a Texas official — were abruptly dropped 10 years ago. "This takes the power away from any partisan crackpot district attorney who may want to indict party leaders and make a name for himself," Bonilla said.

Some people just don't understand Calvinball!

Democratic prosecutor Ronnie Earle said the Republican rules change would have no effect on his investigation, and added, "It should be alarming to the public to see their leaders substitute their judgment for that of the law enforcement process."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., denounced the Republicans' move. "Republicans have reached a new low," Pelosi said in a statement. "It is absolutely mind-boggling that as their first order of business following the elections, House Republicans have lowered the ethical standards for their leaders."

Some GOP lawmakers also opposed the change.

"It sends all the wrong signals for us to change the current rules," said Rep. Zach Wamp of Tennessee. He said he requested a recorded, secret ballot but the suggestion was voted down.

A fellow Republican opponent, Rep. Christopher Shays of Connecticut, estimated 30 to 50 members voted against it. More than 200 Republicans were eligible to vote.

The Hammer is gonna apply Rules 1.3 and 1.4 to them!

Shays told reporters it violates the spirit of the Congressional Accountability Act — a GOP-inspired law that forces Congress to follow federal laws that apply to the private sector.

That's alright, Chris - the Republicans don't understand the private sector either!

Republicans Don't Understand Capitalism

If you're a progressive, you know how tedious it can be to engage in an argument with a Republican these days. Conservatives delight in pompously rambling on about topics that they believe they understand (but are actually totally clueless about). "American values" for one thing. "Christianity" for another.

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information. - Calvin

But no topic gets Republicans more passionate than "capitalism." After all, the GOP is supposed to be the party of capitalism, free markets, and unbridled free enterprise.

Dear Santa. Why is your operation located at the North Pole? I'm guessing cheap elf labour, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example you want to set for us impressionable kids?

It's interesting, though, how little Republicans seem to know about capitalism. It's probably just as well, because if they delved into the history of capitalist theory, they'd likely have a heart attack.

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

Take, for example, the bible of capitalism, Adam Smith's The Wealth of Nations. Smith wrote this book after an extended visit to Paris in the 1760s in which he met with French economic thinkers and listened to their theories about laissez faire. Therefore, much of what we identify as "capitalism" these days originated in France, of all places.

Calvin : "Do you really think Bogeymen exist?"
Hobbes : "I'm not sure, but if they do, I think this is where they live…"

So the next time your conservative brother-in-law starts bending your ear about capitalism, free markets, and economic competition, you might point out to him that he's supporting French ideas.

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. - Calvin

Republicans know nothing about capitalism. And the fact that they control all the levers of power in this country at the moment is worrying for anyone who's concerned about America's economic health.

Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius.
Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you?
Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.

A big problem is Bush's lackadaisical attitude toward deficits. America's trade deficits and government deficits are both at unprecedented levels and are soaring into the stratosphere. If Bush was a seasoned, experienced businessman with real-world success in the private sector, he might be alarmed at the deficits he's racking up.

1.8 Score may be kept or disregarded. In the event that score is kept, it shall have no bearing on the game nor shall it have any logical consistency to it. (Legal scores include 'Q to 12', 'BW-109 to YU-34, and 'Nosebleed to Pelvic Fracture'.)

This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ... - Calvin

I believe that Bush & Co. not only don't understand capitalism, but that their ignorance is responsible for an unfolding economic train wreck that will end America's dominance in the world.

"I'm not going to so my maths homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Here's a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted. But why? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intriguing possibilities into boring old facts." - Calvin

One might wonder: why ISN'T Bush alarmed at America's deficits? After all, we're talking about deficits that are unprecedented in world history. We're talking about a government deficit so massive that it costs the U.S. over $300 billion a year just to service the debt interest. As author Gerald J. Swanson pointed out in his recent book, America the Broke, our nation's total future obligation, in current dollars, now totals at least $44.2 trillion. (That's trillion, with a "T").

As a math atheist, I should be excused from this. - Calvin

Actually, there's a simple reason for Bush's complacency. He's confident that other nations will always be happy to finance our debt. Republicans in general have a "don't worry, be happy" approach to this crisis.

My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while I'm so young - Calvin

To Republicans, it's perfectly rational to dole out billions of dollars in tax breaks for the rich, while launching two costly wars. They give little thought to where all this money is coming from. They're quite confident that the likes of China and Japan will always be happy to dole out billions to finance our deficits.

"As the wage earner here, its your responsibility to show some consumer confidence and start buying things that will get the economy going and create profits and employment. Here's a list of some big-ticket items I'd like for Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do whats right for our country." - Calvin

Republicans remind me of wealthy, naive, trust-fund-collecting kids who regularly jump into their BMWs and drive up to their ATM machines to withdraw money. They never give a second's thought about where that money is coming from. Actually, come to think of it, many Republicans ARE wealthy, trust-fund kids, whose parents have always showered them with money.

H : "What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money, power or fame?"
C : "I'd choose money. If you have enough money, you can buy fame and power. That way you have it all and be really happy. Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess."

To those of us who actually understand capitalism, though, we have reason for alarm about America's future. We understand what it takes to run a successful business and balance our books. And we know that America's soaring deficits are simply unsustainable.

"Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?"
"I'm not sure that man needs the help."

We understand that the nations that finance America's debt could get cold feet at any moment and yank the rug out from underneath the U.S. With the dollar already in steady decline, investing in the U.S. Treasury bills is an increasingly unattractive option for the likes of Japan and China these days.

"Any monsters under my bed tonight?"
"Nope." "No." "Uh-Uh."
"Well there *better* not be, I'd hate to have to torch one with my flamethrower!"
"You have a flamethrower?"
"They lie. I lie."
- Calvin, The Monsters Under His Bed & Hobbes

Unlike Bush & Co., anyone with even a passing knowledge of capitalism understands that the U.S. dollar is headed for meltdown. And the era of U.S. economic global dominance is about to end.

"Since September it's just gotten colder and colder. There's less daylight now, I've noticed too. This can only mean one thing - the sun is going out. In a few more months the Earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice. Dad says the sun isnt going out. He says its colder because the earth's orbit is taking us farther from the sun. He says winter will be here soon. Isn't it sad how some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?" - Calvin, about to become aware of the concept of winter...

People born with a silver spoon in their mouth, like Bush & Co. and their smug wealthy supporters, are about to get a harsh dose of cold reality in the lessons of Basic Capitalism 101.

"What state do you live in?"
"Denial."
- Miss Wormwood & Calvin

Unfortunately, it'll be the American people who pay the price for Republicans' ignorance about the fundamentals of capitalism.

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
H : "I suppose thats *one* way to define it."
C : "The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way."

I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification. - Calvin

So do the Republicans, Calvin.

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