Tuesday :: Dec 7, 2004

Dreck Us All With Bucks of Folly


by larre

It's that HOL- I -day TIme OF the YEAR... When everyone and his banker is urging you to spend, spend, spend.

Not me. I'm a cheapskate.

You can be cheap, too, by limiting your gift-giving list to items that don't contribute a single falling dollar to Bush's corporate economy. Sure, at the appointed celebratory hour there might be a dreadful moment or two when a horrified look of utter bewiliderment crosses the face of each loved one, friend, and associate -- soon followed by even more pathetic expressions of deep disappointment, betrayal, and even hostility.

But that will pass quickly, to be replaced by expressions of unreasoning hope, expectation, avarice, and impatience as the objects of your penurious gift-giving eagerly turn to the next wrapped present in the stack, hoping for better. Soon enough, everyone on your list will forget what it was you gave them, anyway, and even who gave it.

Meanwhile, you can savor the secret pleasure during all of 2005 knowing that you didn't spend a goddamn dime to help Bush's economy out of the toilet it's about to fall into. (Just imagine how fast he would be thrown out of office if the 48% who aren't part of his "mandate" sat on their wallets in protest!)

Below the fold are a few free or really chintzy holiday gift ideas. Add your own in the comments, if you dare.

Political Amazon is offering 30 Free Protest Mailing Labels so you can "Make every piece of mail you send an act of protest." More good stuff is available for cheap, too.
Free labels while supplies last. Send SASE #10 envelope.

The 'Yes Men' may or may not really be selling a deck of cards called Try 'Em -- one can never be sure about them. But if they are, it is "featuring the nastiest, most unreconstructable criminals in the world." Cards include your favorite criminals like Karl Rove, Paul Wolfowitz, Doug Feith, Jeb Bush, and many others. Suitable for bridge, gin rummy, strip poker, or the newly minted "Try 'Em" card game for which the deck was invented.

Game play: Each player lays a row of cards in a folded paper "tribunal" that hides the info below the card's picture and name (this process is called the "arraignment"). Then, another player reads off, left to right, the connections between the various people in the tribunal (this is called the "prosecution"). Any connection the prosecutor makes can be challenged. One or more judges can also participate. Example: If, upon picking up her arraigner's tribunal, the prosecutor finds the first card to be 10-C (John Rendon), followed by 5-S (Achmed Chalabi), she can say something like: "John Rendon runs the Rendon public relations firm, which helped create the Iraqi National Congress, of which Achmed Chalabi is the head." For that she gets one point. She then continues on from 5-S to the card after that, and so on.

Free to download sample cards. Or, possibly throw your money away by ordering one deck for $8 or a dozen for $72.

Looking for a collector's item? Consider downloading (for free) an exact copy of George W. Bush's Statement of Understanding signed May 27, 1968, settng forth his acknowledged obligations upon joining the Air National Guard. Ask the president to autograph it the next time you're in the Oval office. Or, give the gift of hilarity to that special someone on your list and watch as she snickers endlessly over paragraph j:

Further, I understand that if I am unable to satisfactorily participate in the ANG, and have an unfulfilled military service obligation, that I may discharged from the State ANG and assigned to the Obligated Reserve Section (ORS), AF Reserve, Denver, Colorado, and subject to active duty for a period not to exceed 24 months considering all previous active duty for training tours."
Free download

Maybe that special someone on your list is hoping for reading matter? Look no further than Debone.com where you can download and print out a list of Fox News Sponsors for that Special Someone to boycott, along with a pointed message she can send to every one of these media fraud fellow travellers:
This message is to let you know that until Fox News discontinues unfair practices of blurring partisan political opinion with news and calling it "Fair And Balanced", I will avoid buying products from sponsors of its shows. I have noticed your products advertised on this network. Please let me know if your company plans to continue this controversial support of this unethical practice through advertisements on this network or if I could consider to purchase your products again.

Free (stamps not included).

Is there a little one on your Christmas list? Any child would be thrilled with the George W. Bush Fart Doll. It's free, all right, but you'll have to give out a real mailing address -- which no doubt will soon be inundated with truckloads of corporate junk mail. (We suggest using Ann Coulter's locked ward address at the sanitorium, or giving this gift to some other childish brat deserving of a lifetime of punishment. Muckdog, perhaps.)
Free but with a lifetime loss of privacy.

Been hangin' with a teenager who expects you to fork over a kick-ass CD? Can't remember the name of any rapper who isn't in jail or dead? Not to worry! You'll be hip... no, cool... no, da bomb if you go to Le Show and download It's Hard Work, Harry Shearer's hilarious satire of George W. Bush's debate mis-performance.
Free to burn a copy -- and make one for yourself, too. It's that funny.

Maybe the conservative side of you (we all have one, right?) is hankering for an Olde Tyme Christmas like the ones the simple folk in the red states enjoy, where they hand-make their own holiday decorations out of saved thread, stale popcorn, and candied cherries with Red Dye No. 2. Well, over at Cafe Press, famed for its fair & balanced inventory of pro- as well as anti-Bush gifts, you might try clicking to enlarge each anti-Bush ornament and then use a color printer to make copies for decorating your Xmas 'Bush.'
Free if you want to be a sleazy cheap-o and risk a copyright lawsuit. Otherwise, $7/apiece.

Tom Pun invites you to print out your own anti-Bush poster for free! Our personal favorite: "Bush-Cheney for Bush-Cheney."
Legitimately free

As for me, I'm hoping for a tall jar full of Yen festooned with colorful Euros. I figure that's the only thing likely to hold its value over the next four years.

larre :: 9:57 AM :: Comments (23) :: Digg It!