The Right Before Xmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all 'cross the Web
Not a blogger was stirring up anger toward Jeb
For stealing the nation through vote-counting fraud
Which fooled ev'rybody - except those abroad.
The Blue States were bested, all smug were the Reds,
While legions of neocons boasted their creds;
And Rumsfeld the War Chief - caught telling a lie
Had travelled to Baghdad - 'I care, Dear GI!'
When out in Mosul there arose such a clatter,
Another Iraqi turned soldiers to splatter.
Away to the airport Don flew like a flash,
Tore open his orders - 'Dissent you must smash!'
'The longer you take to reduce the refrain
Will lessen your chances that you will remain'
When, what 'fore Reservist GIs should appear,
But an order extending their service one year
Through a little-known law phrase, so smarmy and slick,
They knew in a moment it must be from Dick.
More rapid than eagles their curses they came,
And they whistled, and shouted, denounced them by name;
"Now, Daschle! now, Hastert! Pelosi you Vixen!
John McCain! Chuck Hagel! You all lied like Nixon!
For the ends of the rich, you have sold us a load!
You stash away! stash away! dollars untold!"
As spin doctors send out wild rumors that fly,
When they meet with Good Christians who shout to the sky:
'Keep those liberals from getting the votes they pursue!
End their treason this season, and Gay Marriage, too!'
And then, in a twinkling, I heard 'neath the roof
The lancing guffawing of one stupid goof.
As I threw up my hands, and was turning around,
Down the hallway King George the First came with his clowns.
He was dressed in a suit tagged 'Commander in Chief'
Stood in front of true soldiers, this new Baghdad Thief!
A bundle of agents were watching his back,
Lest another Reservist complain of Iraq.
His brow -- how it wrinkled! His dimples not merry!
His cheeks full of pretzels, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn tight like a bow,
And the troops stood at ease while he shoveled his snow;
He pumped a clenched fist as he lied through his teeth,
"I stand proud and tall, with Iraq underneath!"
He told a grand tale, that 'Iraq is in hand!
And freedom and voting will conquer this land!'
He's a chummy old chump, a right sorry four-eff,
And some laughed when they saw him, in spite of himse'f;
A glare in his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread;
Men spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
And stilled all the mockings, protecting that jerk!
Displaying The Finger, his aides as one rose,
And giving a nod, to the chopper he goes;
He sprang to his bird, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the Tomahawk missile.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all! You'll bow down to the Right."
Adapted from THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
With abject apologies to Clement Clarke Moore