We're Not In New Orleans Any More, Toto!
by pessimist
One of the clear precepts of the Bu$h (mi$)Admini$tration is that they have an intense need to be seen as competent and capable. The televised events of the last week over the inept and incompetent federal response to the needs of the people of New Orleans and the rest of ravaged Dixie has put them into major panic mode lest they lose control of the image machine - kind of like a certain movie character:
Wizard of Oz: Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!
You know - the more I think about this, the more I'm beginning to see other parallels between L. Frank Baum's fantasy and that of Bu$hCo.
And it also began with a windstorm!
For example, the more local officials called for help, the more they heard:
Wizard of Oz: Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful Oz. I said come back tomorrow!
And when they persisted, insisting that the federal government do its job, they heard this:
Wizard of Oz: You people should consider yourselves lucky that I'm granting you an audience tomorrow instead of 20 years from now!
Driven to frustration, some local officials made some rash statements:
Dorothy: You go away or I - I'll bite you myself!
And in some cases, might have seen things that weren't necessarily so:
Cowardly Lion: All right, I'll go in there for Dorothy. Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I'll tear them apart. I may not come out alive, but I'm going in there. I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do! I do! I do! I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do! I do! I do! I do!
Wicked Witch of the West: You'll believe in more than that before I'm finished with you!
And when the disaster first happened, King George was on the West Coast touting his Social Security privatization fairy-tale instead of taking charge as he likes to pretend he can:
Wizard of Oz: Child, you're talking to a man who's laughed in the face of danger, chuckled at catastrophy, and sneered at danger.
So why didn't he show up in New Orleans? Maybe 'Dorothy' knows:
Dorothy: Weren't you frightened?
Wizard of Oz: Frightened? I was petrified.
Meanwhile, the people on their own rooftops were calling out for aid. This was the response they got:
Guardian of the Emerald City Gates: Orders are nobody can see the Great Oz! Not nobody, not nohow!
But the clamor continued, until someone finally responded to the demands that George come see their troubles for himself:
Guardian of the Emerald City Gates: Orders are nobody can see the Great Oz! Not nobody, not nohow!
Guardian of the Emerald City Gates: Now, state your business.
Dorothy: We want to see the wizard!
Considering that George was down in Crawford, no one did see him, leading to a disbelief that King George was even real:
Guardian of the Emerald City Gates: The wizard? But nobody can see the great Oz, nobody's *ever* seen the great Oz... even I've never seen him!
Dorothy: Well then, how do you know there is one?
Finally, from the deepest Seekrit Hidey-hole where he was 'taking a vacation' [meeting with oil company executives?], the pResident of Vice issued an edict:
Auntie Em: Now you go feed those hogs before they worry themselves into anemia!
George didn't want to go, but he wasn't about to be the one to disobey The Ultimate Authority:
Cowardly Lion: There's only one thing I want you fellows to do.
Tin Woodsman, Scarecrow: What's that?
Cowardly Lion: Talk me out of it.
Failing to find someone brave enough to take the rap with Unka Dicky, George meekly replied to this direct order from The Ultimate Authority and went to fly over New Orleans so that he could be photographed observing the damage, muttering:
Scarecrow: I'm not afraid of [Katrina]! I'll see you get safely to the Wizard now, whether I get a brain or not. Stuff a mattress with me. Ha!
Meanwhile, King George's Loyal Royal Minions were 'working' hard:
Ozmites: [singing] We get up at 12 and start to work at 1! Take an hour for lunch and then, at 2, we're done! Jolly good fun!
All of their 'hard work' was supposed to alleviate the suffering of the people of New Orleans, and in response, this is what George expected to hear from the people of New Orleans:
Dorothy: Oh, you're the best friends anybody ever had.
But instead, their troubles mounting by the minute, had this on their minds:
Cowardly Lion: I- I- I hope my strength holds out.
Tin Woodsman: [hanging by Lion's tail] I hope your tail holds out!
And each time the local officials asked for aid, the scene went something like this:
Dorothy: Did you say something?
Tin Woodsman: Oilcan.
Dorothy: He said oilcan.
Scarecrow: Oil can what?
In the meantime, enraptured by the drama and pathos, the media began to discuss among themselves the flaws demonstrated by Hiz Hindni$$ and his Loyal Royal Minions through their empty promises of assistance:
Scarecrow: I haven't got a brain... only straw.
Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
Scarecrow: I don't know... But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking... don't they?
Dorothy: Yes, I guess you're right.
Finally someone with a semblance of both a brain and the ability to use one, Lt. Gen. Russell Honore, showed up to begin the process of stabilizing the situation:
Glinda, the Good Witch of the North: You have no power here! Now begone, before somebody drops a house on you!
The response of the people of New Orleans - and the media - was almost instantaneous, both to General Honore ... :
Dorothy: Oh, Thank you so much! We've been gone such a long time and we feel so messy...
... and to the rapidly changing excuses of Bu$hCo as to why they didn't act sooner:
Dorothy: What kind of a horse is that? I've never seen a horse like that before!
Guardian of the Emerald City Gates: And never will again, I fancy. There's only one of him and he's it. He's the Horse of a Different Color, you've heard tell about.
And still the complaints arose over the lack of presense of The Pretense:
Scarecrow: You weren't around when I was stuffed and sewn together, were you?
Tin Woodsman: And I was standing over there, rusting for the longest time.
Cowardly Lion: [getting a panic attack walking into the Wizard's foyer] Wait a minute, Fellows. I was just thinking. I really don't want to see the Wizard this much. I'd better wait for you outside.
So George showed up to be seen looking concerned at acting pRezidenchul:
Wizard of Oz: You are talking to a man who has laughed in the face of death, sneered at doom and chuckled at catastrophe.
But he didn't fool many people:
Scarecrow: Come along Dorothy. You don't want any of those apples.
Apple Tree: Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be?
Scarecrow: Oh, no! It's just that she doesn't like little green worms!
The demands for aid continued unabated:
Scarecrow: What about the heart that you promised Tin Man? Or the courage you promised Lion?
Tin Woodsman, Cowardly Lion: And Scarecrow's brain?
To which George answered:
Wizard of Oz: Back where I come from there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phila... er, phila... er, yes, er, Good Deed Doers.
But that answer wasn't good enough. More needed to be done, and many people had good ideas, but George needed to say the word to allow these ideas to be implemented:
Scarecrow: I've got a way to get us in there, and you're gonna lead us.
Wizard of Oz: I can't come back! I don't know how it works! Good-bye folks!
Dorothy: My! People come and go so quickly here!
Where was George going so quickly? A meeting of oil company executives?
Wizard of Oz: To confer, converse, and otherwise hob-nob with my brother wizards.
Most doubted this excuse. Could this really be why George left in a minute-and-a-huff?
Dorothy: I've got a witch mad at me and you might get into trouble!
Glinda, the Good Witch of the North: Ooh! What a smell of sulfur.
Wicked Witch of the West: How about a little fire, Scarecrow?
Glinda, the Good Witch of the North: Only the bad witches are ugly.
Zeke: Then next time she squawks, walk right up to her and spit in her eye. That's what I'd do.
Wicked Witch of the West: Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents, too!
And still the people called out:
Tin Woodsman: Help! Help!
Cowardly Lion: Oh, scared huh? Afraid, huh? Ah, how long can you stay fresh in that can? Ha ha ha ha.
Scarecrow: It's no use screaming at a time like this. Nobody will hear you. Help! Help!
Meanwhile, the media tried valiantly to get Scott McClellan to admit that George screwed up:
Miss Gulch: Mr. Gale, I want to see you and your wife right away about Dorothy.
Uncle Henry: Dorothy? Well, what has Dorothy done?
Miss Gulch: What she's done? I'm all but lame from the bite on my leg!
Uncle Henry: You mean she bit you?
Miss Gulch: No, her dog!
Uncle Henry: Oh, she bit her dog, eh?
Miss Gulch: No!
And what of the charges of racism in the delay of Bu$hCo to act:
Cowardly Lion: I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do, I do, I do, I do, I *do* believe in spooks, ...
And the Loyal Royal Minions began to declare New Orleans deceased:
Coroner: [singing] She's not only merely dead / She's really most sincerely dead.
And when people began asking 'Where's Dick Cheney?', they got this response:
Tin Woodsman: Go away and leave us alone.
Because New Orleans was in such sad shape, and in reality, becoming hazardous to human life, an evacuation was ordered. Some balked, only to be told:
Wicked Witch of the West: The last to go will see the first three go before her. And her little dog too.
But when that didn't work so well, persuasion was tried:
Auntie Em: Why don't you find a place where there isn't any trouble?
Dorothy: A place where there isn't any trouble. Do you suppose there is such a place Toto?
'Sure there is!' was the reply. 'In fact, you'll feel right at home':
Dorothy: Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home. Home! And this is my room, and you're all here.
But suddenly, the plans were changed, and no one was allowed to evacuate:
Wicked Witch of the West: Going so soon? I wouldn't hear of it. Why my little party's just beginning.
The people were aghast, and complained:
Apple Tree: How would you like it if someone came along and picked something off of you?
George got concerned that he was being opposed:
Dorothy: Lions and tigers and bears! Oh, my!
But Condi told him not to worry - it was nothing:
Dorothy: Don't be silly, Toto. Scarecrows don't talk.
A woman went up to Condi while she was buying shoes, and asked her how she could do so when so many people were suffering:
Auntie Em: For twenty-three years I've been dying to tell you what I thought of you! And now... well, being a Christian woman, I can't say it!
Condi's reply?
Wicked Witch of the West: I'll get you my pretty... and your little dog too!
And she had security hustle this inconvenient disruption away.
Back in New Orleans, the people were again being removed to other locations, separating family members like chaff in the wind:
Scarecrow: First they
[the Flying Monkeys]
Scarecrow: took my legs off and they threw them over there! Then they took my chest out and they threw it over there!
Tin Woodsman: Well, that's you all over!
In some cases, people were sent to places with no knowledge of where they were going:
[Dorothy is brought to the Witch's castle]
Wicked Witch of the West: What a nice little dog. And you, my dear. What an unexpected pleasure. It's so kind of you to want to visit me in my loneliness.
Dorothy: Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. We must be over the rainbow! It's not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It's far, far away. Behind the moon, beyond the rain.
And if there was a complaint?
Wicked Witch of the West: Just try and stay out of my way. Just try! I'll get you, my pretty and your little dog too!!
Back in Washington, the (mi$)Admini$tration was 'hard at work':
Cowardly Lion: [singing] I'm afraid there's no denyin' / I'm just a dandy-lion!
Dorothy: Where do you want to be oiled first?
Scarecrow: I could while away the hours/conferrin' with the flowers/consultin' with the rain/And my head I'd be scratchin'/ While my thoughts were busy hatchin'/If I only had a brain.
Dorothy: What would you do with a brain if you had one?
Wicked Witch of the West: I'm melting! I'm melting!
Tin Woodsman: I can barely hear my heart beating!
And over at Democratic Party headquarters?
Cowardly Lion: Come on, get up and fight, you shivering junkyard!
[goes over to the Scarecrow]
Cowardly Lion: And put your hands up, you lopsided bag of hay!
Scarecrow: Now that's getting personal, Lion.
Tin Woodsman: Yes. Get up and teach him a lesson.
Scarecrow: Well, what's wrong with you teaching him?
Tin Woodsman: Well, I hardly know him.
Such disloyalty was swiftly dealt with:
Wicked Witch of the West: Helping the little lady along are you, my fine gentlemen? Well stay away from her, or I'll stuff a mattress with you! And you, I'll make you into a beehive. Here Scarecrow, want to play ball?
And the Democrats went back to remember the presents they were prmised if they were good little opposition party members and behaved as they were directed:
Cowardly Lion: Read what my medal says: "Courage". Ain't it the truth? Ain't it the truth?
Scarecrow: Then I'm sure to get a brain.
Tin Woodsman: A heart.
Dorothy: A home.
Cowardly Lion: The nerve!
Back in New Orleans, things hadn't changed much:
Dorothy: Did you say something?
Tin Woodsman: [speaking through his closed mouth, and barely understandable] Oilcan.
Dorothy: He said oilcan.
Scarecrow: Oil can what?
George was asked if this was the best he could do:
Professor Marvel: Professor Marvel never guesses. He knows! [Changes facemask]
Wizard of Oz: You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thing. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage. [Changes facemask again]
Cowardly Lion: Courage! What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot? What have they got that I ain't got?
Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Woodsman: Courage!
Cowardly Lion: You can say that again! Huh?
And the New York Times declared this speech the worst that George ever gave.
Some time in the future, many hearings will be held to determine what went wrong so that corrections can be made. What will these findings consist of?
Tin Woodsman: What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, I - I think that it - it wasn't enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em - and it's that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. And I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all, and - oh, Auntie Em - there's no place like home! Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with!
Tin Woodsman: Is that right?
Those who failed in their duty will reward themselves handsomely, no matter what the world says:
Auntie Em: I saw you tinkering with that contraption, Hickory. Now you and Hunk get back to that wagon.
Hickory: All right, Mrs. Gale. But someday, they're going to erect a statue to me in this town
Auntie Em: Well, don't start posing for it now.
They will compliment themselves about their wisdom:
Wizard of Oz: Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the Earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain. Back where I come from, we have universities, seats of great learning, where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts and with no more brains than you have. But they have one thing you haven't got: a diploma. Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universitartus Committiartum E Pluribus Unum, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of ThD.
Scarecrow: ThD?
Wizard of Oz: That's... Doctor of Thinkology.
Scarecrow: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Oh joy! Rapture! I got a brain! How can I ever thank you enough?
Wizard of Oz: You can't.
They will show great humility for their humanity:
Wizard of Oz: As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
Tin Woodsman: But I still want one.
They will commission poetic odes to their courage:
Dorothy: My Goodness, what a fuss you're making. Well naturally, when you go around picking on things weaker than you are. Why, you're nothing but a great big coward.
Cowardly Lion: [crying] You're right, I am a coward! I haven't any courage at all. I even scare myself.
[sobs]
Cowardly Lion: Look at the circles under my eyes. I haven't slept in weeks.
Tin Woodsman: Why don't you try counting sheep?
Cowardly Lion: That doesn't do any good. I'm afraid of them.
[sobs loud]
Scarecrow: Ah, that's too bad.
They will record for posterity an accurate record of events as they trek into the future:
Dorothy: Still, I wish I could remember, but I guess it doesn't matter anyway. We know each other now, don't we?
Scarecrow: That's right.
Tin Woodsman: We do.
Scarecrow: To Oz?
Tin Woodsman: To Oz.
Dorothy: And it's funny, but I feel as if I'd known you all the time, but I couldn't have, could I?
Scarecrow: I don't see how.
They will dispense fine logical advice to those who got into trouble in the first place:
Hunk: Now look here, Dorothy, you ain't using your head about Miss Gulch. You'd think you didn't have any brains at all.
Dorothy: I have so got brains.
Hunk: Well, why don't you use them. When you come home, don't go by Miss Gulch's place. Then Toto won't get in her garden, and you won't get in no trouble. See?
Dorothy: Oh Hunk, you just won't listen, that's all.
Hunk: Well, your head ain't made of straw, you know.
And they will miss entirely the purpose for caring for one's fellow man:
Wizard of Oz: A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others.
Dorothy: [singing] Can you even dye my eyes to match my gown?
Auntie Em: Dorothy!
And lastly, the world sees clearly that George let the people of New Orleans down:
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright.
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And, somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout,
But there is no joy in Mudville -- mighty Casey has struck out.
In his final moments, should things be corrected by removing this incompetent and his stooges from power, will George see the light? Will he know that a power larger than himself and his criminal party started his long, slow decline into irrelevance? I doubt it.
Scarecrow: What's the matter?
Tin Woodsman: Oh, he's just a scared again.
Dorothy: Don't you know the Wizard's going to give you some courage?
Cowardly Lion: I'd be too scared to ask him for it.
[sobs]
Dorothy: Well then, we'll ask him for you.
Cowardly Lion: I'd sooner wait outside.
Dorothy: Why? Why?
Cowardly Lion: Because I'm still scared.
[sobs]
But let's say he does:
Wicked Witch of the West: Who ever thought a little girl like [Katrina] could destroy my beautiful wickedness?
Wicked Witch of the West: [as she is melting away] "Ohhhhh... What a world! What a world!"
Then we'll all live happily ever after - I hope.
Quotes taken from:
Memorable Quotes from The Wizard of Oz (1939)