Wednesday :: Apr 19, 2006
Stories I'd Like To See - Chapter One
Image courtesy of MSNBC.com
And then in a new feature here at the Left Coaster, and in no attempt to encroach on the territory of our partners at “Low and Left,” I give you a story I’d like to see (snark engaged):
WASHINGTON, April 19 (GOP News Service) - Scott McClellan left his position as White House Press Secretary somewhat suddenly today, with the respect of his tormenters in the treasonous White House press corps, while looking forward to new challenges.
McClellan was proud of his time as the president’s chief spokesman and unofficial overseer of the White House press pool. “We made some giant strides while I was here,” McClellan told the press pool at his last gaggle. “Consistent with this administration’s view of how the mainstream media should operate in a ‘fair and balanced’ way in getting our message out, we allowed emerging alternate media into the press pool, like conservative bloggers and alternate lifestyle entrepreneurs.” McClellan may have been referring to Jeff Gannon, who it is understood is now McClellan’s agent for his forthcoming memoirs.
McClellan has told associates that he will begin work immediately on his memoirs, tentatively titled “Brokeback Towelboy”, after he and his agent Gannon decided against “A Piñata By Any Other Name,” “A Deer In The Headlights”, and “Presidential Hipwaders.”
McClellan denied that there was any friction at the White House, or any souring relationship with the president that prompted his departure. “Actually, he’s been calling me ‘Pumpkinhead’ for awhile now”, McClellan said. “It was just time to move on to new challenges. And I am looking forward to corporate and celebrity media relations work.”
White House press pool members have heard that McClellan’s first new account in the private sector would be to handle media for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
On his way from the podium, McClellan stopped to hug Helen Thomas, who greeted him by saying “so long, Shortshot.” As McClellan left the room, Thomas was overheard to say to howls of laughter “LBJ’s pantloads were more consequential than that loser.”
“I leave this job with total conviction that George W. Bush will be regarded as one of the greatest presidents this country has ever had,” McClellan stated as he walked down the hallway after wrapping up his final gaggle, sipping from a cup of what appeared to be punch or even Kool-Aid. “I leave here on good terms with everyone, and I really appreciate Karl’s offer to drive me to the airport.”
When asked if he was flying out of Dulles or Reagan, McClellan remarked with some hesitation “Actually neither. Karl says that I deserve to fly home on my own private plane, rather than being burdened with having a crowd around me. So I guess I will be flying on something smaller than Air Force One back to Texas, to take a vacation until my new job starts. In the meantime, I’ll be getting to work on the memoirs.” Then, almost gushing in the warmth of good feelings as McClellan was visibly and forcibly steered into his office to begin packing, he said, “They even insisted that my agent go with me.”