Monday :: Sep 4, 2006

Happy Management Day


by pessimist

The time, circa 2016. The place, the Corporate States of America.

Gentlemen of the Board, I greet you in the name of the Profit Annual Maximum.

It has been a good and highly profitable Extended Daylight Season, and I offer gratitude to those who facilitated this day of corporate celebration.

It took over 120 years, but finally victory over the common laborer - the epitome of waste, sloth, and lost productivity - was achieved. Labor will never again threaten to raise its ugly organized head again! That's why, when corporate victory was declared back in 2010, and the former day for the celebration of human labor became obsolete, the date was retained for the celebration of the glorious dominance of the corporation.

It wasn't always so.

In the beginning, the issue was in doubt that the legal standing of corporations - as regards rights at least equal, if not Board-rightfully superior, to human units - would ever be recognized. But that was rectified with the Board-inspired Santa Clara Decision, which settled the matter once and for all. Once the advantage favored the corporation, the valiant struggle against the evil Organization of Labor triumphed through superior oganization and greater economic firepower, producing vast economic and political strength, and corporations never again had to fear attempts at regulation, political dominance, or economic interference by human units.

Today, human units have been relegated to their rightful Board-granted purpose as corporate property under the provisions of the righteous 34th Amendment, which defined that any sentient living being which utilized a corporate product or a service, and could not immediately pay for that product or service in hard specie upon presentation of the invoice, immediately became the property of the all-powerful corporate Board to which said debit is owed as security of payment upon demand.

Sad? Not at all! It's not like human units need any rights, being as they are corporate property!

The 34th Amendment made the Breeder companies among the wealthiest corporations in the world, proving once again that a little foresight in having a few corporate managers well-placed in influential legal and legislative positions are far more profitable than a thousand of the most productive human units working non-stop 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. With legal empowerment, and such a large inventory of human units available for lease to other corporations, Breeder companies - such as ours - are the prime investment opportunity for the Twenteens! The wise and insightful investor never need fear being reduced to mere human unit status!

As the majority of breeding units do not have the financial wherewithal to pay the initial debits of their productivity (they might well still be amortizing their own initial productivity debits!), it's much better to begin a useful life as corporate property - even if only in the security inventory - than to have to suffer the anxiety and uncertainty of freedom as a human! After all, freedom is just another word for useless human scrap!

And we all know that we don't like to see any of that, do we?

Upon the completion of assembly, a human unit immediately incurs expense: its construction and operational costs, daily fueling and programming costs, normal wear and tear - all of which must be amortized over the course of its productive service life. I repeat - All expenses involved in the development and operation of a human unit must be amortized fully prior to the completion of its productive service life. To do anything less would be unfair to the corporation which sponsored the introduction of the human unit into production service. It may take years of costly primary training before the human unit is producing profit for its owner. The quicker a manager can get useful productivity out of a human unit, the better!

But it doesn't always work out that way. Those human units which prove incapable of executing profitable higher-level enhanced programming tasks are assigned to the security inventory, where the risks of damage to corporate property are high, but so is the payoff in profit which justifies the risk. For each human unit expended in the hostile takeover of the Caspian Sea energy reserves, for example, thousands of credits of profit per unit were realized - far exceeding even the original book value of the typical human unit! Thus, any unamortized expenses of the destroyed human units - even deactivation and disposal expenses - were more than offset by profitability gains.

Upon the completion of the service life of a human unit, said unit is sent to the parts depot, where replacement parts for functioning units of that model year can be extracted before scrapping the remainder of the unit. And a poor manager it is who doesn't have a use for every little piece of a human unit upon retirement from the inventory! That would mean ignoring the additional vast profit opportunity servicing those corporate managers who have sufficient credits and can use the better-grade spare parts from units scrapped early in their service life due to unforseen performance or accidental incidents to extend the enjoyment of their lives.

Is this not why we have human units in the corporate inventory? They are still much more cost-effective and timely than waiting for custom replacement parts cloned from our own cells!

I thank you for your attention, and look forward to seeing you again at the next Management Day meeting. May the next Extended Daylight Season produce even more profit.

Any questions before we adjourn for the official celebration ceremony? Good! I can't wait for the main event! Better A Corporation is fielding a team of enhanced-motivation human attack units against our specialized security breech-repair units.

May the better manager win!

pessimist :: 3:42 AM :: Comments (5) :: Digg It!