Friday's Really Important Stuff
by Jeff Dinelli
Did Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo break up with Jessica Simpson or not? Yesterday the world was shocked to learn that Eastern Illinois University's 2nd most popular alum (I hold the number one slot, of course) dumped the blonde superstar just a week after spending a romantic weekend in Mexico. Now Jessica has her lawyers crawling all over OK! Magazine, who first broke the story, because it's just not true, she claims, and she has suffered "public contempt, ridicule, aversion or disgrace." I wish all EIU grads had these kinds of problems. Efforts to reach Tony were unsuccessful as of tonight.
Beguiling actress Scarlett Johansson has me positively bewildered by choosing as her debut for her new recording contract an album entitled "Scarlett Sings Tom Waits," in which she, yes, covers Tom Waits songs. Wha?
From the weird to the disturbing, I don't like this Killer Dolphins story. It seems these intelligent, docile mammals are prone to viciously gang attacking other weak, usually infant, dolphins, at least off Virginia's beaches and along Scotland's East Coast. The first theory, that the animals were suffering from "blast trauma," exposed to US Navy exercises and oil rig air guns, has been dismissed. They're just beating each other to death. I can't even make a joke here about similarities to the Democratic Party, it's just too sad. Joke if you must, I just can't do it. Dolphins??
In happier news, at least for me, my favorite screen actor Viggo Mortensen was nominated for "best actor" this week for his creepy role as a Russian Mafioso in the movie "Eastern Promises." Sure, he's up against George Clooney, Daniel Day Lewis, Johnny Depp and Tommy Lee Jones; my money's on My Man Viggo, who will play Edgar Allen Poe in a film next year. Nevermore, Daniel Day Lewis, Nevermore.
Sylvester Stallone endorsed John McOld yesterday. "I like McCain a lot. A lot." Stallone said. "And you know, things may change along the way, but there's something about matching the character with the script." Um....anyway....with Chuck Norris in Huckleberry's camp, all we need is Arnold to endorse, like, Mitt, and we could have a cage match to see who gets the nomination instead of having to watch anymore Republican debates.
Speaking of those goof-ass debates, what's your theory on who was whispering to Mitt while he was struggling coming up with an answer to Tim Russert's question on if Mitt would do what Reagan did to fix Social Security? You can hear someone whisper "...raised taxes," right before Mitt says, "I'm not going to raise taxes..." And what's with MSNBC's lame explanations? I don't wanna hear about a live mic in the crowd and Joe Blow muttered it under his breath. We never got an answer as to what the hell that mysterious bulge was under Bush's jacket while he was trying in vain to debate John Kerry in '04. Debates are bad enough without cheating.
On David Letterman's show last night, Barack Obama declared if elected, the tenth month would be called Baracktober. Sorry, Man, it's not as good as Hillary's promise of a free cupcake to every American on her birthdays.
Forget all this party bickering, though. What we all should be celebrating together is this week marks one year left in the Chimp's administration. Get your party gear here. C'mon, people, smile on your brother.
No, I'm not ready to talk about Dennis Kucinich yet. Don't ask. I did take the bumper sticker off my car today. Baby steps...