Wednesday :: Apr 9, 2008

With Apologies To Emo Philips


by Turkana

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said: Well, there's so much to live for!

He said: Like what?

I said: The Bush era is almost over! Are you a Democrat or a Republican?

He said: Democrat.

I said: Me too! Are you a liberal, a moderate, or a conservative?

He said: Liberal.

I said: Me too! Would you like a president like John McCain, who will talk about global warming, but offer only a weak industry friendly approach to dealing with it, or do you agree with the Democratic candidates that we need to reduce emissions by 80% by 2050?

He said: Reduce emissions by 80%!

I said: Me too! Would you like John McCain, who wouldn't mind if the Iraq War lasted another 10,000 years, or would you prefer the approach of the Democratic candidates, who vow to start pulling us out next year??

He said: Out of Iraq!

I said: Me too! Do you agree with the Democratic candidates that even after we pull out, we should keep the boondoggle "embassy," which is projected to cost us $1.3 billion a year; or do you think that's not a complete pullout, and a waste of money?

He said: I think "out of Iraq" means no boondoggle embassy!

I said: Me too! Do you agree with John McCain that we have the best medical care system in the world, or do you agree with the Democratic candidates that we need to improve the system and expand access?

He said: Improve the health care system and expand access!

I said: Me too! Do you prefer the Democratic candidates' incrementalist approach to improving the health care system and expanding access, or do you think we should have single-payer national health care?

He said: Single payer national health care!

I said: Me too! And do you agree with John McCain that our energy policy is bascially on the right track, or do you agree with the Democratic candidates that we need to aggressively develop clean renewable energy sources?

He said: Clean renewables!

I said: Me too! And do you agree with the Democratic candidates that it's worth wasting billions of dollars to develop and store the waste from more nuclear power plants, or do you think we shouldn't consider replacing one problem with another?

He said: No nukes!

I said: Me too! And do you agree with the Democratic candidates that we need to use the government to solve the mortgage crisis, or do you agree with John McCain, that we should wait and see what else happens?

He said: The government must step in!

I said: Me too! So, are you voting for a candidate who is ready to lead on day one, or are you fired up and ready to go for change you can believe in?

He told me who he would vote for, and...

I said: Die, DINO scum!

...and pushed him off!

Turkana :: 2:07 PM :: Comments (10) :: Digg It!