Hey Rush? Hey Bill-O? That's Gotta Hurt!
My very dearest Rush...
My very dearest Bill-O...
How's it going, guys? Missing the old oxycontin, Rush? Looking for the loofah, Bill-O?
So, I'm just wondering how you guys are feeling, these days. Gosh, you guys must be feeling sick to your stomachs. That Franken guy. A U.S. Senator? Like elected and everything?! And now officially sworn in!
I mean, it really must hurt, taking a look at the guy's life. Writer and performer during the golden era of one of television's most innovative, successful, and legendary shows. A show that got more viewers in a given night than your guys' shows get in a month.
I meant Bill-O's TV show. More viewers than Bill-O's TV show gets in a month. Because I know you don't even have a TV show, anymore, Rush. It got canceled. Years ago. Right around the time Franken's book about you was on top of the bestsellers lists. The one that called you a big fat idiot. Right in the title! Right on the cover! The one that he ended up recording, for which he won a Grammy Award. Wow, that must have hurt! He's being celebrated, while you're being cancelled! Because even though I'm certain you spend the bulk of your life in front of a TV, you still couldn't manage to keep your own TV show on the air! Maybe it's because your fan base isn't collectively smart enough to figure out how to work their remotes? And let's not even talk about that very very short-lived gig on a popular football program. Because when you came out of the sewer that is right wing talk radio, and into the daylight of mainstream pop culture, that whole racist ranting thing didn't play so well. So, back into the sewer you went. You're just not fit for... well... much at all, actually, Rush.
But Bill-O has a TV show. Sort of. It's on some marginal cable channel that nobody with a functioning cerebral cortex takes seriously. A marginal cable channel that was so hilariously and accurately ridiculed in Franken's next number one bestseller. The book for which Bill-O's ridiculously ludicrous cable channel sued Franken. And lost. Because a right wing propaganda outfit that tries to claim exclusive right to the phrase "Fair and Balanced" fails on so many levels- the most obvious being the claim of being fair and balanced! But a guy who lies about having won a Peabody Award belongs on a propaganda channel that lies about being fair and balanced. Along with its lie about being a news channel. And Franken, of course, did win a prestigious national television award. An Emmy Award. Five separate times!
So, not only did Franken thrive in a golden era on a legendary show on actual network television, he then wrote two number one bestsellers, one about each of you! Making a small fortune. While making fun of you! While helping others to see you as you are. Which is not pretty. But he made a ton of money, because of you! If the two of you weren't out there, making asses of yourselves in public, Franken wouldn't have had anything to write about! You made him millions! Wow, that's gotta hurt!
And then there's his personal life. As in he has one. A woman actually loves him. Not in make believe land, because she wants his money. Not barely able to keep herself from vomiting, while feeling forced to listen to the diseased depravities of her boss. But love. Something about which the two of you wouldn't know. He also has children. For all your blather about family values, you don't have children, Rush. Maybe because even all your money couldn't convince anyone to bear them. Ick! And Bill-O does have a wife and children, which I'm sure makes for some interesting family conversations, whenever they pass a falafel stand. But because of all the money he made ridiculing the two of you, Franken's children are very well taken care of. It was so good of you to help Franken's family, guys!
And now he's an actual U.S. Senator! Not just some clown with a literally lowest-common-denominator audience, sniping from the sidelines, but an actual U.S. Senator! A lawmaker! Making laws! You two break them, while he will be making them! Serving the public! Elected. As in normal people with functioning cerebral cortexes voted for him! Wow, that's gotta hurt!
What a life that Franken has! What misery you two must feel! All the money in the world won't change the fact that he was a genuine television talent, that he made a mint by making fun of you, that he has the loving family only one of you even maybe has, and that he's now a U.S. Senator. Senator Franken. Senator Al Franken! And each of you remains cursed to have to wake up every single day and be the miserable people you are. Wow, that's gotta hurt!
Have a nice day!
Have a nice six years!
Yours ever so very truly,