Dear Joe: You're A Very Important Person!
Gosh, you're really cool. I can't tell you how much I admire you! And I mean that most sincerely- I literally can't tell you how much I admire you! Other than your family and your undoubtedly increasingly small circle of friends, I doubt there's anyone anywhere that admires you more than I do! And I mean that most sincerely, too!
So, Joe, Senator, your exalted righteous wonderfulness- can we please have health care reform? I mean, real health care reform? I realize that you're blocking every possible avenue to even minimal reform because of your great personal integrity. That integrity that positively oozes with sanctimonious fervor every single time we are blessed to hear the whiny nasal drone of your public pronouncements. I mean, no one would ever dare think your consistent efforts to thwart reform might be due to such trivial considerations as your wife's career, or all the campaign contributions you get from the health care industry. We all know you're too pure, for that. After all, few politicians spend as much time touting their purity and their religious devotion. Well, few outside of the Taliban wing of the Republican Party, anyway!
I know I haven't always done a good enough job of worshipping you, Joe. Certainly, I haven't done as good a job as you do. I must learn from you. And it must be hard to be so deserving of worship, yet to receive so little of it. After all, it was you, more than anyone, who made impeachment of President Clinton possible. After he finally admitted to the horror of having lied about something that was none of our damn business, to begin with, the polls showed the public were sick of the story, supported the president, and wanted to move on. The Republicans were paralyzed. They were afraid to pursue their vicious vendetta against a Democrat who had had the temerity to twice be elected president, and they seemed to be waiting for a sign from heaven. Which you, in your haloed sanctimoniousness, gave them. On national television. Whining. Droning. In the sweet, sonorous tones of fingernails on a blackboard. Or screeching tearing steel. Appearing to validate what the Republicans and the corporate media had spent months failing to convince the public was worthy of validation. And the media took it as a signal. And the Republicans took it as a signal. And after all the smoke had cleared, you were nominated to be Al Gore's running mate. You. Winking like an idiot who had been named prom king, during the public announcement.
But the voters weren't swayed, Joe. Gore proved that even the great ones are capable of making terrible mistakes. Politically, you added nothing to the ticket. Bob Graham might have made Florida too lopsided for the Bushies to steal, but you didn't. But you were emboldened. You believed your time had come. You were the heir-apparent, for 2004. When Gore decided not to run, your path was clear. Except for those damn voters. Those damn Democratic voters! You lost badly. You were so hurt and humiliated that even though you came in fourth, you claimed to have won a virtual tie for third. Which I'm sure plenty of Olympic athletes have considered trying to argue, when falling just short of winning bronze medals. But soon even a deluded self-styled religious icon such as yourself had to face the facts. You weren't going to win any presidential nominations. You were hurt and angry. You sulked. You brooded. The voters just didn't understand how right you had been about issues such as invading Iraq. Those damned Democratic voters!
And then there was Ned Lamont, and your Democratic colleagues' insistence on respecting the will of Democratic voters! Fire and brimstone, Joe! You went independent! That'll teach 'em! Because the world needs you, even if the world doesn't seem to understand that it needs you! You began to be a thorn in the Democrats' side. Not out of spite or vindictiveness. No. Out of purity. Because you are pure. Because no one ever has been as pure as you. So pure that you supported the campaign of a Republican fellow warmonger over the Democrat, in the next presidential election. You smeared the Democrat and slimed the Democrat, because you had the clarity of vision to understand the value of a dishonest campaign in support of a temperamental misogynistic bully. You have values, Joe. And they have nothing to do with being petty and venal and selfish and self-righteous and juvenile. Nah. You're a class act, Joe.
So, health care reform is your latest means of achieving what you so love to achieve- getting public attention. Grabbing it. Seizing it. Clutching it to yourself with the desperation of an empty soul tumbling endlessly into the void of his eternal worthlessness. It makes you feel important, Joe. It makes you feel powerful. If there's a works to muck up, you'll dutifully be there, to muck it up. Because you have been anointed for such work. It's your calling. Because you simply don't get enough attention and respect. So, I want to give you attention and respect. All the attention you have earned. All the respect you deserve.
You're a big man, Joe. Really. You've proved it. We all see it. We acknowledge it. You're so very very important, Joe. Tens of thousands of lives are at stake, every single year, in this country, because of the failures of our health care system. And God knows those lives are of secondary importance to your own sense of self-importance. So, I'm here to tell you that you're important, Joe. Really. And every little bit of respect you have earned validates your existence.