Monday :: Apr 13, 2020

Joe Biden Emerges With a Recovery Plan

by paradox

Joe Biden, remember him? Now that’s mean, I know, but it is a total empirical fact in this crashing hurricane covid-19 media environment Joe Biden and the Democratic Party nomination process basically disappeared, as confirmed by the inimitable Fran Lebowitz in the New Yorker. (via Balloon Juice)

There was a little blip on the political screens as Bernie Sanders dropped out, but that too was quickly muffed out in the current roar of American death, unemployment and Presidential malfeasance. Then two days ago Vice President Biden appeared in the New York Times with a recovery plan.

Good. I’ve been meaning to have a little chat with you, Joe, ever since that super-good to decision to choose a woman running mate. A few glancing comments on the critical side, okay, but Mr. Biden, I am so on your side. I will help you all I can this year, sir, and if the format and tone seem unorthodox in this particular delivery, well, it’s because the truth and the little people guide me, nothing else.

I respectfully request that you spend 15 minutes listening to me, sir, even with your incredible schedule. I wouldn’t do this, sir, unless I was positive it was of real value to you, so to show you I’ve got it there’s a small story of mine worth your time.

I’ve been writing in two blogs for a long time, and in the 2008 Obama campaign I began to see and hear glimmers of my work in President Obama’s campaign speeches. It happened so many times it finally convinced me it was happening, I was initially skeptical.

It certainly wasn’t a new mental process for me, for there are no more mentally ravenous and furtively imitating beings than the American journalist, Mr. Biden. They relentlessly scour blogs and comment sections for ideas and diction structure, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve seen them copy my stuff. The last one to do it was Gail Collins 10 weeks ago in the New York Times, I have mixed feelings about this evolution in my life.

Okay. Seven years ago I discovered two terrible central truths to my life that had been kept secret and that I’d been lied to about that simply mentally slayed me. Volcanoes of righteous anger, lava flows of hurt and a frantic desire for one person to know the truth, maybe it would help somehow. So just like here I published it.

[sigh] Yes, it was a mistake, for my own psyche it should been kept private and that person should have been told personally, I know, but I got twisted and frantic. Then months later I got a Christmas card from the Obama White House.

It was unsigned, nothing but the classy boilerplate message from the Obama’s. I’d contributed tiny duty amounts to the Obama campaigns, I’d never written to anyone there and I was certainly no fan of the Obama conciliatory approach to politics, heh, no. That Obama 2008 speechwriter who had read my stuff learned what had happened and sent a card.

Why I am telling you this, dude? Certainly not as life or writer badass credentials, heh, no, it’s to let you know what I have and write is real, it has true value and has been used by folks right in your very own environments for years.

I really like your decision to have a woman as a running mate, I hope it’s Elizabeth Warren. I really, really hated your decision to be conciliatory and non-combative for your son when Trump criminally tried to get the Ukrainians to spear you.

[opens hands] Look, Vice President Biden, I have a degree in political science from SJSU, I don’t have a bazillion words to explain why rank schoolyard bullying works in certain political environments, but just look at Hitler, Mussolini, Putin, Trump, trust me it so obviously does.

You failed in fighting back to that bullying and it almost smashed your campaign to bits, this is why the Democratic Party has so much trouble with men, this sniveling obsequiousness is just plain disgusting to millions of guys and a total loser politically. Please don’t make that mistake again.

Circumstance and timing delivered your nomination victory, Joe, believe me no Democrat has any serious problem with it. The Ukrainian mistake is blown away in a fresh covid-19 start, sir, don’t worry about it, Alex Pareene doesn’t like your present non-fighting stance but I’m okay with it for now, you’re doing fine.

One last thing, I didn’t like that first sentence for your plan in the New York Times, “people across America are stepping up to the plate.” I was like, wtf, god I miss my A’s games and Athletics Nation threads, there’s no baseball anywhere.

That lead sentence is so everything, sir, it’s like meeting a girl, right, if you miss it with that she ain’t going to listen to anything else.

I lost my job in the shelter-at-home order, Mr. Biden. I’m available for your campaign writing team, April 15th ‘till November, $10,000 a month.

paradox :: 6:21 AM :: Comments (0) :: Digg It!